The past two hours, and it's only 8:30 am.

I HATE the days I wake up angry and lost!

Have you ever had  days where that one person can make you so angry that your insides are shaking and you cannot rationally think?  You see red.  You jump from on conclusion to the next.  You are not a violent person, yet the want to punch something is so strong you are literally shaking from it?

This is how I wake up sometimes.  No reason, just awake.  Every little thing pushes me close to the edge where I feel like I am going to fall, and if I do there is no return.  It makes me hysterically cry.  I cannot stop it or control it, so I crumble to the chair and wonder 'why?', yet don't have an answer, so I feel like I am going crazy.

Am I going crazy?

I feel like it.  No control of my feelings or how my body will feel or function that day.  Other people with Lyme explain some of the same experiences, and though I try to not have Lyme consume me, it really needs to, because even on my good days, I need to be learning more from Lyme, not just it's symptoms and how bad it makes me feel.  

I just really want my life back.  

Yes, my acceptance of this has been very hard for me, and in turn, I think, is helping me feel more crazy.  My mind battles the realization that everything I was taught or how I was raised is no longer.  

I need to learn how to meditate.  Maybe that will help. 

What is Chronic Lyme Disease

I will not give you the scientific version of what chronic Lyme disease is.  That is easily found. The scientific aspect is finally being stretched to new expanses to learn the who, what, where, when, and hows of Lyme, but what we Lymies go through is just becoming known to the public.   

Lyme disease for me means...

Lack of energy.  Always feeling exhausted, even when you do not do anything.  My body has a heavy, dragging feeling, almost like I can not get charged enough to make myself push forward. 

Joint pain.  There are times where EVERY joint in my body aches and feels like it needs to pop or feels so swollen and large.  To be able to feel every vertebrae in your spine is one the weirdest feeling I have ever had, not to mention the tiny joints in your hands and feet.  On a daily basis, though, I have sharp pains in my knees (primarily my left), hips, shoulders, and elbows.

Ligament pain.  The surrounding areas of my joints are almost always sore to the touch, and when they are inflamed, it feels like it stretches the muscle connected to it, and causes muscle pain. 

Skin rashes.  I get these weird sores on my skin whenever I have a flareup.  They leave scars, and take a long time to heal.

Cuticle fungus.  I have to treat my nails with hydrogen peroxide once a week to keep the fungus at bay.  Antibiotic did nothing to help it.  if I do not try to control it, I get sore fingers and toes, hang nails, and messed up nails.

Hair loss.  My hair has thinned out, though that can be caused from many different reason as well.  I do have three children and a husband,  I use coconut oil weekly on my hair, and after six months, I have noticed a difference in my hair.  I will definitely continue.

Eye sight.  When I am going through a flareup, there are times it seems like on of my eyes is really blurry, or can see through a small straw, will have bright flecks of something floating around.  This actually does scare me when it occurs.  

Then there is the fog.  Cognitively there are so many things that occur, it is hard to realize that you may be going crazy from this.  During really bad flareups I have had hallucinations.  I have trouble remembering simple things.  It sucks turning left immediately after you told yourself to turn right. My decision making skills are nonexistent at this time as well. What I mean by that is that I really cannot make a decision.  My response to most things is "I don't know" There are times time goes by, and I do not even realize it.  Almost as I am on auto pilot and I am watching as life is going by, and doing what I have to, but not quite amongst the aware.  I also get electrical shocks flow through my body, intense hip pain that shoots stabbing pains through my legs, stiff neck, which cause migraines that make me sick to my stomach. Burning pain in muscle....feels exactly like when you run long distances and have a burning muscle....just no movement. 

When I come out of the fog, I am playing make up for all I missed, didn't attend, or plain forgot, and hopefully get caught up before the next round attacks.

Lyme disease is also missed games, practices, concerts, play time, family time, personal and professional growth.  It has not raped me of all of everything, but what I miss because of Lyme is not acceptable....though to have any peace, It needs to be accepted.  The irony of life, i suppose.

Learning a new way of life, that you never once thought of, is a very challenging experience to say the least. 

Continuing the Story

So to not leave you hanging on what happened after my round of doxy.  I began Doxy Nov 1, 2012....the day after Halloween.  I became so horribly sick on the meds, like I was told I would be.

I expected to be sick off and on for the next year, since I was told it would take that long to fully filter out of my body.   So, being sick was not unexpected.  I was a college student with 3 children, and had to repeat 2 of my semesters, since my sickness was bad enough to cause absences, which caused me to fail.

2013 through 2015 I have fought the fact of me being sick, but there is nothing I can do to ignore it any longer.  It has attacked my nervous system so much that I am now diagnosed with fibromyalgia as well, which has brought on severe depression....you think???  Thirty six years old, and I am told life is now about being healthy and fighting myself each day instead of the hopes and dreams we all plan for in life.  Hard to swallow.

It is now the beginning of 2016, and I resigned my job at the bank on doctors orders, since I cannot function for months at a time. I am going through the toughest part of the disease, which is not the disease itself, but to realize that this disease has killed the life you had and the life you always thought you wanted for yourself and would have.  I have, not to only live differently, but to also parent differently and look at my blessings differently.